Hardest thing ever

I have had friends, friends of friends, facebook friends, and some family who have had to deal with breast cancer. But I never thought that it would also happen to my mom. My world has been significantly altered. It no longer seems important to see the latest movie at the mall or sleep in on the weekends, all that I really want to do is spend time with my mom. She's always been the one there for me, no matter what, rain or shine, good time and the bad.

Everything started out okay. Something was on the mammogram. She needed an ultrasound. Then it was a biopsy. Then they wouldn't tell us the results over the phone. Not really a good sign. Hopefully it's small, hopefully it's early. We went and saw the surgeon. And finally was able to see the mammogram. It's not very small...but not huge. Alright, so surgery...take it out. Then probably radiation. It's responsive to estrogen so she will probably do hormone therapy afterwards for five year. Good now there's a plan. Time to move forward.

First, MRI. Make sure there isn't anything else that looks suspicious. Wait for the results. They found a small second lesion. Right next to the first one. Not too bad. It'll be taken out with the surgery. At least there is no other spots.

Second, surgery....she's never had a surgery before. Okay, shouldn't be that big of a deal. She should be fine. Take out the mass, take out a couple lymph nodes. A few sleepless nights but surgery went well. Not a lot of post-op pain. Ibuprofen more helpful then narcotics. Good.

Third, lymph node results. Which brings us to today. They take out lymph nodes to check for any cancer spread. Hopefully there won't be any. Just move on to radiation. But they found cancer in both lymph nodes. Shit. That changes things a little bit. Survival rate decreases. She'll now have to have chemo. More tests. More stress. More worry. Probably radiation and chemotherapy now. More physical damage. More side effects.

I guess writing all of this, helps get it out of me. Even if no one else reads it. I'm scared that I'm going to loose my mom. It's always been the two of us against the world. I really don't know what I would do without her. I always go to her with everything that I'm worried about or scared about but I feel like I need to be there to support her and not make things more difficult. She needs me to be strong for her and not fall apart. I have a great support system but there isn't really anything that can be done. I hate being weak and don't want to dump everything on someone. My boyfriend has been really great with everything but I'm trying really hard to not act like a blubbering idiot in front of him. It's just a sucky situation all the way around. I just want her to be okay.